Chains of Fear and Uncertainty

As I've said before, I HAVEN'T BEEN STUDYING A BIT!!!

Oh, the horror.

I just remembered, that last time, someone told me that my teacher next year is fierce, and I should try getting on her good side. With that my mom commented that maybe I'm studying for the grade--and solely for the grade.

Uhm, excuse me, but I clearly recall that I was a kid who used to study for fun. I learned things because I enjoyed finding out how things became. Until you, oh dear almighty adults, started noticing how I ranked.

Studying English used to be fun, because I got to understand stories as a child, and learning words and how to used them helped me to create stories of my own. But when exams came in, I just happily answered away.

And when I come home with my almost-perfect paper, only four mistakes to stain it, and what do you say?
"Can't you have brought home a perfect score?"

And when it was time to see my grades, you'd see Janica on rank 3--again--and tell me that at least she maintains her position.

And NOW you ask whether I study just to make the grade or not?!

Really. People.

I know I should stop complaining and start moving forward. I know that whining gets me no-where. But the problem here is that my feet can't move, frozen on the pavement by the fear of never being able to be enough, never being able to meet the grade, never being who you ask me to be and doing what you want me to do.

I'm doing my best, I'm enjoying my work. But who ever said that I have to be fake and get into someone's good books just to get a grade?

I'll get along with teachers, and I'll be polite, okay fine. But getting beyond that? It's not something I have to do.